motherhood

The grace in need

The month after I had a baby, I couldn't figure out how to go to the drug store. My parents had finally left after staying to help with Jackson for the first week, and then returning a few days later after I started sobbing on the phone during a casual update. Taylor was back at… Continue reading The grace in need

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faith, motherhood

How the self-care movement’s failing us, and why we need community instead

In the first six weeks after giving birth, I hauled my completely healthy son to the pediatrician five times while I troubleshot my own busted vaginal stitches and clogged milk ducts and low breast milk supply all by myself. Schlepping his giant, 20-pound car seat from my vehicle to the pediatrician's office, I felt my… Continue reading How the self-care movement’s failing us, and why we need community instead

motherhood

The things we carry

Lately I’ve been complaining that I can’t write. My previously complex sentences fragment or drift off into vague wishes for an iced coffee or fantasies about a new granite countertops. The brilliant idea that came to me in bed last night slips away by morning, fleeting as a dream. Motherhood frazzles. If there’s no room… Continue reading The things we carry

motherhood

Flyover state of mind

The morning before the eclipse, all I think about is not blinding my 5-month-old baby. I drape his carrier in a blue swaddle and hustle him into my friend’s house like a body builder carrying a teetering log. I’m terrified that the cloth will slip and he’ll take a wayward, devastating glance at the sun.… Continue reading Flyover state of mind

motherhood

Vessel: thoughts on motherhood and the body

People kept telling me I didn't look pregnant. At 5 months, my sister-in-law studied the slack of my shirt over my flat tummy. "Can I touch it?" I hesitate. "Sure." There's nothing there but the slight pouch from my slouchy posture, a relic of adolescent shame about my 6'0 stature. Taylor and I attended his… Continue reading Vessel: thoughts on motherhood and the body

grief, motherhood

Leo: snapshot of a small grief.

I was in the kitchen multi-tasking my way through an elaborate quiche recipe. I sizzled bacon, caramelized vegetables, leaned my body weight against the rolling pin as a crust began to take shape. When I heard the doorbell, I felt a little thrill of anticipation. Maybe I was getting an early Christmas gift or a… Continue reading Leo: snapshot of a small grief.